having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
