It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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