when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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