I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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