Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
