I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
