Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
