I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
