I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
