Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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