dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
