His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Vodka?
Forever.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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