I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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