Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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