apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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