Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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