Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
