He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
