we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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