Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think I died a long time ago.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
