You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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