Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
