I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
