For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
