i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
