Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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