He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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