Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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