some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
