Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
