Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
