Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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