Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
