Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
