Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
