when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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