You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
