Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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