Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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