recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
