my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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