Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
