according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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