where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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