if you like me you must not know who I am
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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