I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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