it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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