And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
