My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
