i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
