Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
