Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
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should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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