the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
