I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
