It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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