Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.