i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
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Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed