We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
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You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I supernannyed him into submission