I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
