I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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