I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
